Tuesday, September 23, 2008

useless dribble and palin

i feel the need to write - or purge - but i've not much to say. usually i have a little outline of what i want to write about before i blog. (don't you love using blog as a verb? or is it just me? oh..it's just me??) but tonight i come to you with no agenda. just me, in the dark, and the humming of the fridge and computer. speaking of.. i was lying in bed (laying or lying?) and really TRYING to get to sleep earlier - i turned off the tv at midnight, said my prayers and was determined to make tonight the night i get to bed before 2am. however...i kept hearing this buzzing/vibrating sound. like a cell phone vibrating rapidly and repeatedly, over and over and over. i checked the floor, my bed, me cell, andrew's cell - which he left here on accident - the tv, the nightlights around the house, the baby monitor and - nothing! couldn't find the source! so then i thought, maybe it's just in my head and i tried to listen to the fan and focus on that sound, but it was to no avail.... the buzzing continued. then i started hearing other sounds. then my heart started beating fast. then i got up and turned on the tv (because that always makes me braver). i checked on ian and sat down at the computer. i was on for a minute when i realized - the computer was vibrating!! this weird, barely audible sound that i SWEAR i was able to hear and feel in my room. if i were a superhero i would probably have supersonic hearing (i don't even know what supersonic hearing means or entails, but i'm pretty sure that's what i would have). one time i was living somewhere where i could hear this ticking - fast ticking that felt like it was in my brain. no one else could hear it but it was driving me insane. finally i found the source...it was one of those things that you plug in with this high frequency that humans aren't supposed to hear to drive away spiders and insects. "brittany", you say - "surely you jest". "no", i tell you. "this is a true story!"
i am starting to feel this blog is going downhill at supersonic (ha! didn't think i'd be awesome enough to use that word again so soon did you?...) speed. next time i will return to my outline.

what else can i write about?....

it's 1:15am exactly. i just fed owen a bottle that i "expressed" - i think that word is so lame. it's trying to make pumping milk from your breasts sound cool and smart so you don't feel like a farm animal hooked up to a contraption. so, having cleared that up... i just fed owen a bottle that i PUMPED and got him back to sleep. but now i can't sleep. i'm in the bad habit of napping everyday. andrew works nights, comes home and sleeps. then i wake him up sometime in the afternoon and i crash. it's a pretty sweet system we have going. i really need to make a change.

i signed up for some new features with our house phone today. and our bill for phone and internet will be $20 less a month. i now will get call waiting, 100 minutes long distance a month and most importantly... caller i.d.! that's right fools - i'm ascreenin'you now! now i just have to train ian to recognize certain names to not pick up the phone for. ian loooves to talk on the phone. he calls my parents and anyone else he can think of everyday on my cell phone. he knows that memere is #3 and papa is #4 and aunt t.t. is #6. it's been a great way for him to learn his numbers. however...he thinks all phones are programed like my cell and gets upset when he picks up the house phone and hits 4 and nothing happens. and when he sees a 3 or 4 on a paper or remote he says, "hey that's memere's number!" yesterday it was raining. we looked out the window and ian said, "wow, it's really raining". and i said "it sure is". and he said, (in a very serious and burdensome voice - like the weight of the world was on his shoulders), "hmmm... i better tell papa..." i'm sure my dad was pleased to receive the weather report from idaho while in north carolina.

ian has this big, super loud and obnoxious robot that walks and shoots little discs that my mom got him for $8. (thanks again mom...) the other day he was holding it with one hand under it's head, and one hand under it's back so it was parallel to the floor and he said, "mommy, this is how you hold someone when they die". to which i said, "where did you learn that???" to which he said, "in boise." it's sort of his fall-back answer when he can't remember something. "ian, where did you hear that expression?" "in boise". we don't go to boise often as it's an hour and a half away. and i'm pretty sure ian has never learned an expression or seen a dead person held there. but when in doubt, "in boise".
andrew has a trap set up on the back deck for a raccoon. it includes dog food, a plastic cup, a huge cage like thing and a long piece of twine that comes into the house for one of us to pull if something actually climbs in there. here's the problem. you would have to be in the laundry room to watch it and pull the string...a place we aren't in the habit of hanging out. and also...i don't want to catch a raccoon.

owen just woke up. so now i am holding him and trying to type with one hand.

i really like alec baldwin. i know he called his daughter a "rude little pig", but you need to hear his side of the story. he makes me giggle. and tina fey makes me laugh out loud. she is awesome. and tracy morgan makes me chuckle. pretty much i heart 30 rock. speaking of 30 rockefeller place, did anyone else watch that 20/20 or dateline or whatever it was about that french guy who pretended to be a rockefeller and jipped all those wealthy americans out of millions? it was pretty absurd and funny. he was french, people!! the french don't make rockefellers! did you know that the expression "jipped" is actually an ethnic slur? it relates to gypsies - and people saying they got "gyped" out of money. so i almost never use that term - except now, so that i could teach you all something. you see, when you come to my blog you get an anecdote and a lesson. you are all welcome.

my friend rachael and i fantasize about being the personal assistants to one - kathy griffin. we're pretty sure she would treasure us and our humor. and also we would laugh at all her jokes to make her feel good about herself. because often times comedians have low self esteem.
there is so much more i could go on about and give the masses who read my blog (thanks honey...) insight into, but my left arm is cramping up from holding this baby boy and my right arm is getting funny shooting pains and my milk is coming in right...this...very...second...

so, goodnight and God speed. no wait, i don't exactly know what "God speed" means... i think it means God Be With You, but i'm not willing to put money on that. which is good because one shouldn't gamble on something like that.

ahem (clears throat)... goodnight and - good luck.

also, will ferrell really cracks me up.

ps i will add some pictures to this tomorrow.... or "foomonow" as ian says.

pps every - and i do mean every - guy i have asked about governor palin seems to have a crush on her. is she universally hot? i mean, she's attractive, but she's no - jessica simpson. speaking of jessica simpson (you guys like that segue?!) i can sing better than her. i may not have the hot bod, or blond hair, or mental capacity of an 8 year old, but i am a better singer. this i know for sure.

Another FAV!!